Their erection is gone: what will I say?

It is engrained in many of us to associate erections with sexual attraction, and to take it personally when a partner is having issues getting or maintaining an erection. Let’s break down two important myths here:

Cultural Myth No. 1: Are erectile issues caused by lack of sexual attraction?

Erectile issues are very common and happen for many reasons, including performance anxiety, drug use (including alcohol), health problems such as diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and vascular disease, and prescription medications including anti-depressants.

If you date / have sex with men, you will likely at some point be with someone who is having issues getting or maintaining an erection.

If this is somebody that you are seeing regularly or in a relationship with, it’s a good idea to offer your support in a neutral, private, non-sexual environment. If a partner is experiencing ongoing erectile issues, it could be helpful to gently suggest a GP visit to check for other health issues, and even offer to join them for the medical visit if they would like.

If you haven’t discussed it previously, and someone’s erection goes while you’re in the middle of getting physically intimate, what might be some helpful things for you to remember in the moment?

• Self-image:

  • Am I feeling any less attractive or less appreciated? If so, is it potentially due to cultural myths?

  • How can I support my own self-image right now? Am I viewing myself the way I would view/speak to a friend?
    

• Sensitivity to how your partner might be feeling or thinking:

  • They may feel insecure about their sense of masculinity,

  • They may feel insecure about your opinion of them,

  • They may be frustrated that their body is not doing what they might want it to do.
    

• Sex: Don’t forget that sex is so much more than penises and penetration!!
  

• Support the other person by telling them that:

  • You know how common it is for erections to go even when someone wants sex,

  • You don’t need them to have an erection,

  • There’s no pressure to have penetrative sex, or any other kind of sex,

  • You’d be turned on by focusing on other parts of your bodies, if they want to
    e.g. using hands, mouths etc., or

  • You’d like to focus on non-sexual touch, cuddling etc., if they want to, or

  • It’s okay to stop having sex.

Myth No. 2: So if a man is attracted to me, and he’s physically/mentally healthy, he’ll want sex whenever it’s available to him?

No! Men’s (and women’s) sex drive and desires can change throughout their lifetime, and studies show that in heterosexual relationships men and women are equally as likely to have a lower sex drive than their partner.

This is a matter of consent, and understanding that men are often put under pressure (e.g. peer pressure, media depictions of male sexuality, etc.) to constantly want sex.